The Comfy Corner

So I have overheard many hilarious conversations on the streets and subways of New York City but few have earned the right to have a place on my blog. Few have caused me to miss my train stop because I am furiously typing the whole conversation on my phone with the speed of a court stenographer. When reading this, imagine two oppressively nerdy band geek boys. I have named them Dave and Rob (no offense to you, Dave or Rob, those just sound like band geek names to me). This is their conversation. It needs no further exposition.

Dave: (upon entering the train) So, what do you think Heather really thinks of me?

Rob: Dude, probably what everyone thinks of us brass players.

Dave: What's that?

Rob: All of the wind players are scared of us.

Dave: Why? What are they scared of?

Rob: Dude, you know. Our bro lifestyle, man. We're like drunk all the time. And if we're not drunk, we're really angry.

Dave: Yeah, that's true. I mean, we have pretty crazy ways.

Rob: Yeah we do.

Dave: But like, I specifically wonder about Heather ya know? Like what she thinks of me.

Rob: What, you afraid she thinks you're like a little horndog or something?

Dave: Yeah man, I mean, we're brass players.

Rob: That's true. Well, why don't you invite her over to my place?

Dave: Oh, yeah, totally.

And that's about when I realized that I was two stops past where I was supposed to get off the train. Stay comfy y'all!

1) You are trying to be so quiet going down the stairs at night, and then you miss a step and do a T-Rex stomp shaking the entire house.

2) You begrudgingly go out even though you are stupid tired. You tell yourself you won't drink and you'll head home around midnight. You wake up the next morning in a stranger's bed with no pants, a massive hangover, and no memory of the previous night.

3) You tell yourself you need to stop eating sweets and sugars, then your boyfriend bakes a giant cupcake.

4) You leave an hour early to guarantee that you'll be there on time, then there is a "police investigation" on the train and you're an hour late.

5) You tell yourself you're an independent woman of the modern age, then you're married with children.

6) You don't ask for directions because you have an iPhone, then you remember that your iPhone changed to Apple maps and you're doomed.

7) You tell your friend how horrible you are at baking and then you accidentally make the most delicious scones.

8) When you are working at your job you repeat in your head "this sucks, I hate this, I have to quit" but when you go home you think "meh, it's not THAT bad."

9) You can't find your monthly metro card you just bought so you buy a new one, call MTA, cancel the old one, get the money refunded, and then you find the old one in your bag.

10) You set your alarm every morning to go to the gym, and then the months go by and you forget where your gym is even located.

On the subway the other day I found myself amongst a sea of children. It wasn't a school field trip or anything, as is typical on the subway, no, it was just a very mom-and-children heavy train. One mom in particular really impressed me. She had three children. Two rowdy boys rode in on a two seater stroller and then proceeded to climb all over the crowded subway train like it was their jungle gym. Meanwhile, she had a newborn baby strapped to her chest. Hanging from the stroller were massive carabiners holding bottles, diaper bags, extra clothes, toys, shopping bags, and anything she might need to be successful in her day. She was soothing the baby on her chest while she was keeping her two boys in check. And the whole time she kept her cool and successfully calmed her rowdy boys. 

Here's the biggest problem that I've ever encountered in my young adulthood: I can't afford the lifestyle that I think I deserve. I'm a lush and I absolutely can't help it. I like taking cabs and surrounding myself with nice things. But, I'm poor. And yet, I keep trying to pretend like I'm not poor. Thus, I keep wasting my money on things that I don't really need like HD DVR packages and memory foam pillows. It's a recurring theme in my life right now. When I was younger (not much younger, let's be honest, like 18) I would watch the James Bond movies and drool over how luxurious 007's lifestyle was (I'd drool over Daniel Craig's body too, but that's for a different blog). He was always in a tailored tuxedo or beautiful slim fit suit, he was always drinking the best scotch, he was always in the nicest hotel rooms and he always had the fanciest cars. That's what I want! That's partially why I always drink gimlets and wear ties. Sometimes small things can make you feel really big. But recently the issue has escalated...

I essentially ordered the most expensive cable package available to a homeowner in NYC without really consulting with my room mate. I sort of told her how much it would cost but not really. I just really wanted DVR! And what's a DVR if it's not HD? And what's HD if you don't have On Demand and Showtime? This, to me, was a legitimate list of concerns. So after the cable was installed and my room mate found out how much our monthly bill was going to be, she called me and told me the most devastating news. We would have to downgrade cable plans. Yuck, I don't ever wanna hear that word, downgrade. Severely downtrodden, my room mate ripped the HD DVR box from my poor, wanting hands and took it back to the cable store. But then, a miracle happened! The woman at the cable store convinced her to keep the HD DVR box by cutting our monthly bill IN HALF! She even upgraded our box to a new one with more memory! Thanks Jessica, you saved my HD life!

And today, I was buying pillows at Bed, Bath and Beyond (the best place for a homebody to spend their time). I dejectedly picked up the ten dollar pillows telling myself to not even look at my other options. But then I saw the memory foam pillows at the end of the aisle and like Ginny Weasley in The Chamber of Secrets, I lost all control of my body and committed such evils. I ended up purchasing the most expensive pillows available. I reasoned that I spend a huge portion of my life sleeping, so I should obviously have the nicest pillows! Plus, sleeping is literally my favorite activity. When I wake up, I actually think to myself, "I can't wait until tonight when I get to go back to bed." But then, I was carrying these memory foam pillows through Washington Heights and I was getting the dirtiest looks from my neighbors. The looks that clearly said, "You rich douchebag living off of daddy's money." WHICH ISN'T TRUE! I WORK HARD FOR MY MEMORY FOAM PILLOWS AND MY DVR! So yeah, I need to cool it with the spending. But I have a kick ass cable plan now and I am going to sleep so well with zero neck problems. And those things make me happy. And isn't that our goal in life? Happiness? So stay lush y'all and stay comfy.