In this season of juice cleanses, 20 day yoga challenges and ginger/cayenne/lemon juice shots, I thought it would be apropos to go against the grain and start a 16 Bourbon challenge. A challenge where I try 16 different bourbons in 20 days. Kind of the opposite of a cleanse, I know, but it fits right in line with one of my biggest goals right now: to become a more of a man. I've been thinking a lot recently about what makes a man a man. And I've decided that somewhere amongst my glasses of pinot grigio and vanilla bean scented candles, I have lost touch with my manhood. So in an effort to reclaim my manhood for good, I have compiled a comprehensive list of what I have decided makes a man a man. Feel free to print this out and hand it to your boyfriend or your pocket gay or whoever.
1) A man has a favorite Bourbon (or he'll just order something on tap if he's new to the bar)
2) A man doesn't drink sauvignon blanc
3) A man always carries some cash
4) A man is good with children
5) A man has a sense of style
6) A man fixes things
7) A man is good at his job (and doesn't complain)
8) A man owns up to his mistakes
9) A man is not afraid of his sexuality and is not apologetic about his sexual desires
10) A man does the dishes but doesn't point out that he did them
11) A man gets the door without thinking
12) A man has a tool set and knows how to use it
13) A man gives up his seat on the subway to moms, children, and old people
14) A man listens and carefully crafts his opinions
15) A man loves to be alone
16) A man takes control and takes care of things
17) A man doesn't hide under the covers, he gets out of bed and checks out the situation with a baseball bat or something
18) A man has a good sense of direction
19) A man is not a know it all, he keeps his mouth shut on topics he is not knowledgable about
20) A man maintains an air of mystery about him. He watches, he observes, you never quite know what a man is thinking.
There ya go. This is what I'm working on. So if you see me skipping down the street and giggling like Spongebob, please stop me and remind me that I'm trying to collect man points. Okay? Thanks. Stay comfy y'all.
Things That Make Me Roll My Eyes
3am on 8th Avenue in Hell's Kitchen. My good friend Tony let out a long sigh. "New York City..." he remarked as we were strolling to the nearest gay club in our tight pants and leather jackets, our heads buzzing from the poor choices we had already made that evening. I nodded my head in approval and started laughing uncontrollably. There comes a point in every New Yorker's time here when they realize that they can simply sum up all of their NYC experiences with a sigh and a "New York City." I have realized that the things that I rave and complain about on a daily basis are essentially always the same. And so, I find, it is easiest to just sum it all up with a sigh or a sassy lip smack or an eye roll or a "New York City." It's a real time saver. No need to waste breath on things that everyone is already well aware of and on board with. One of my biggest eye roll moments happened a few weeks ago.
I was in a "getting things done" kind of mood. Sun glasses on. Mariah Carey in my earbuds. There was pep in every step. I was walking on air! I decided that I should take advantage of this momentum by finding a nearby coffee shop and getting some work done. I had my computer and a good attitude so the possibilities were endless. I found a local, organic coffee shop (take THAT, Starbucks) and, to my delight, they served a very bougie, very delicious pour over coffee. I am a bit of a coffee snob, so the fact that they had Guatemalan pour over coffee really turned me on. I got my cup of coffee, found a quiet corner in the back of the cafe by the window, pulled out my laptop, and before I could open up a Word document and take that first, heavenly sip of my coffee, a gentleman from the counter rushes over to me and says, "I'm sorry sir. We don't allow laptops here. It's kind of our thing. We want people to be more human here." To which I shut my laptop and responded with the biggest eye roll I have ever given in my life. What is more human than using a laptop?! How much more ridiculous can this city get??? This "rule" that this coffee shop decided to have quickly jumped to the top of my list of "things that make me roll my eyes." It even beat the time that I saw a dog wearing tennis shoes in the Upper West Side and his owner looked at me and snarkily said, "These paws haven't touch pavement in seven years." Congrats, sir. Ugh, I was in a perfectly good mood and this coffee shop ruined it all. I think now is a good place to mention that the name of the cafe was, "Cafe Grumpy." Aptly named, right?
To top it all, after the shutting of my laptop and the eye roll, the man sitting beside me leaned over shaking his head and said, "New York City..." He knew. We all know. Stay comfy y'all.
