The Comfy Corner

I'm currently getting paid to sort people into their Hogwarts houses. That's right folks, I work for the sorting hat now. Dreams do come true. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Of course, it is the sorting hat the does the sorting, it definitely isn't the key fob that I'm holding in my other hand with buttons that correspond to the respective houses. Oh no no no, it's all done through magic! Anywho, I've been doing this job for several weeks now and I have compiled a whole list of things that I say to people when they tell me what their favorite Hogwarts house is. BTW... I'm still... sorting things out (BAM!) so my apologies if some of this seems... old hat (BAM!! BAM!!).

Gryffindor - When someone says they are a Gryffindor, I usually genuinely agree with them, because if you are brave enough to volunteer to go up on stage with an absurdly energetic, 6'1", twenty somethin', Hogwarts "alum"wearing a rob, then let's be honest, you are probably a Gryffindor. But then there are the people who get up and say, "Oh, uh, I dunno, what is it called again mom? Gryffindor?" OR they say "I wanna be in Harry Potter house" Or I once had a kid say, "I wanna be in Dumbledore." That's just gross. And annoying. Those are the people who haven't read the books. And those are the people that I put in Hufflepuff.

Hufflepuff - When someone comes up, sits on the stool, looks at me and sincerely admits that they are probably a Hufflepuff, I have so much respect for them. It takes a great deal of self-confidence and self-examination to admit to Hufflepuff-dom. And if someone can admit to being a Hufflepuff, then I give them Hufflepuff and applaud their loyalty and trustworthiness. And I usually say something along the lines of, "You must know yourself very well. And you must be a true Potter fan." But, let's be real, I also use Hufflepuff as a punishment for people that are annoying me, because it makes everyone angrier than if I put them in Slytherin. Because Hufflepuff isn't known for much - except for, expert brooder, Cedric Diggory.

Ravenclaw - I am a Ravenclaw through and through. So when someone wants to be a Ravenclaw, I get excited and usually tell them that I am also a Ravenclaw, that I'm actually Cho Chang's brother, that I'm from China, and that I'll see them around the common room. I am such a creepy weirdo, why do people trust me with their kids?! Most of the time, though, I think people get a kick out of it. Or they are probably just confused and creeped out because I don't look Asian at all. Speaking of, I have to admit, ashamedly, that I always put Asians in Ravenclaw, even if they request a different house. It's just where we belong, y'all, so get used to it!

Slytherin - When someone says their favorite house is Slytherin, I usually respond, "Ah, you could do great things in Slytherin." But what I'm thinking is, "Ah, you must be a Republican." And I thought I was the only one who drew a connection between Slytherins and right-winged politics until today when an older man sat on the stool, said he wanted to be Slytherin, I said my usual, "You could do great things in Slytherin" and he responded, "Or I could become a politician." I laughed out loud. Way to go, sir. You are smartest Slytherin I've ever sorted. After I sort a Slytherin, I always say, "Slytherins always seem to know which house they belong to, don't they?" I think there is enough masked judgement in that phrase, yeah?

So, no matter which house you love, I will respect you, even if you're a Hufflepuff, especially if you're Robert Pattinson. Stay comfy y'all.