The Comfy Corner

The other night, my friend Melonie and I decided that it was high time that we had a night of debauchery. This night has become a bit of a tradition and it usually involves us stuffing our faces with delicious vegan strawberry shortcake from Peacefoods Cafe and then going to Dive 75 and getting blackout drunk while we play Scattergories and eat Reese's cups by the fish tank. A sensible night for anyone involved, right? But this particular night did not go quite as planned.

Everything was perfect. I was at a perfect level of drunk, we were playing Scattergories, we were alternating buying each other drinks, and we had finally scored an actual table instead of a spot at the bar. Bliss. But then, Melonie realized that her bag and her coat were gone. This is when the chaos ensued. As we stumbled around the small, crowded bar looking for her bag and her coat we suddenly realized how drunk we actually were. I was stumbling and running into people. The bouncer even yelled at us for looking through other people's things. That's when Melonie turned on the drunk girl tears.

Tears like pearls poured down her face as she started blatantly making up all the things that were in her missing bag, "ALL MY CASH I OWN! MY PHONE! MY METRO CARD! MY SOCIAL SECURITY CARD! MY PASSPORT! MY PAYCHECKS! I WAS GOING TO THE BANK BUT I FORGOT!!!" We were legit starting to cause a scene at this point. So that is when the owner of the bar came over and gave us 30 bucks to take a cab home. I gave Melonie my jacket and we ventured out into the freezing New York air minus one coat and one bag. This is when my memory gets patchy. I remember having a Con-Edison traffic cone in my arms, hugging it like a Teddy bear, I remember Melonie jumping over the turnstile to ride the subway (guess we forgot about the cab money), I remember her crying while she sat on the edge of the platform with her legs dangling towards the tracks, I remember screaming at her about the danger of that,  and then I remember being on the train.

On the train Melonie turned on the tears EXTRA hard. The crowd began to gather around us to listen to our sob story. I rubbed her back and nodded my head a lot and said useless things like, "It's okay, we'll find it. Don't worry. We'll figure it out." As a result, this really nice teacher woman gave us a 45 dollar Metro card. And then, as we were stumbling off the train another older woman gave us her 8 dollar Metro card. She looked SO sorry for us!

So, if we are all doing the math here, WE SCORED 83 DOLLARS JUST BY BEING DRUNK AND SAD!!! I'm thinking that this is a business we should really look into! In then end, we woke up with the worst hangovers, the bar called me (apparently I left my information) and they found her bag and coat, and I now have a huge Con Edison traffic cone sitting in the corner of my room. It'll come in handy for something I suppose. Stay comfy y'all!