The Comfy Corner

When I visit home (Asheville, North Carolina) I not only find myself slipping into a Southern drawl, eating excessive amounts of barbecue, and walking slower, I also find myself phoning in the Southern charm. I smile and wave at people I don't know, I say hello to perfect strangers, I laugh warmly and genuinely, I hold doors for elderly people, I patiently wait for pedestrians to cross before going (and I wave and smile at them) - in general, I am the perfect example of Southern hospitality! For instance, today at Fuddruckers the man next to me at the condiments station said "Itsa lookin lack they're runnin outta lettuce" and I responded "Ain't that the truth! Seems like we've got a real problem on our hands" (smiles, laughs). It is a very real thing, folks. Waitresses call you "honey" and "darlin" and they sit down at the table with you. People in stores are genuinely eager to help you ("Oh my GOD! I can't BELIEVE that bracelet broke! I am SO sorry. Let me see what I can do for you.") It is almost an infectious disease. Here's the kicker, though...it's all a facade.

That's right, it's as deceiving as the pictures of food at McDonald's. Behind every smiling, comforting Southern personality is a bitter, cynical Northern personality - but it's worse than that - they also have shotguns. When Southern folks are angry, watch out. You might not survive. My theory is that people in the North are genuinely bitter and self-centered on a day to day basis, so when they get really upset, it's not much different from when they're happy. In the South, everyone bottles their anger until the last possible moment and then KAPOW!!! The shotguns are out, the John Deere is a runnin' and the hound dogs are growlin. ("GET YOUR ASS OFF MY PROPERTY YOU TRAILER TRASH BIMBO!") Once, my dog got a hold of one of my neighbor's chickens...woo boy...out came the shot gun, and six months (and several thousand dollars) later we had a three legged dog. And in every day life, my neighbor is the sweetest woman you could ever meet, always able to spare a cup of sugar, but touch her chickens...it's a slippery slope.

Southern comfort? Think again folks.