The Comfy Corner

When you attend a middle school in a hippie-littered, lesbian-abundant, obnoxiously self-satisfied city like I did, you don't go on normal school field trips. No, you go to Camp Earthshine. Yes, this is a real place and yes I really went there.

I had exactly two friends in middle school. A nerdy white boy named Matt and a nerdy Indian boy named Keeshan. They were awesome. We were awesome. And we did everything together. I mean, come on, who needs girls or parties or middle school drama when you have awesome RPG's to play on the computer?! Xenimus, anyone? So fun. We even had a shared notebook of secrets that we would pass back and forth to each other in class (it was links to porn sites, y'all, we were C-O-O-L). And when it came time for our school field trip to Camp Earthshine, of course we decided to room together. We were buds. And we were psyched.

The theme of our three day adventure at Camp Earthshine was "Destination: 1840." For the first half of the trip, we were Cherokee indians. It was like an acting exercise, so naturally, I rocked at it. I gutted a fish, I cooked said fish over a fire, I then ate said fish in a legit teepee, I threw a tomahawk, and I ground some corn. If I had been any more Cherokee, I would have been walking the trail of tears! The second half of the trip I was a pioneer, black-smithing, candle-making, and apple-cider grinding. If I had been any more pioneer, I would have been kicking the Cherokee off their land and sending them on the trail of tears! It was both educational, a little bit sad and dangerous. So naturally, I thrived. The best part of the trip, however, was the accommodations. All of the students stayed in the main lodge, which was pretty cool. That's also where we ate our meals and they would give away awards for the tables that left the least amount of food waste (hippies). The lodge, however, was not big enough to accommodate all of us. Three boys got to stay in the guest house. And you guessed it, Keeshan, Matt, and I were those lucky boys. Cherokee by day, middle school boys wreaking havoc in the guest house at night. And this wasn't just any guest house. No, it was practically Trump manor. Two stories. A spiral staircase! A KITCHEN! Just for the three of us. We stayed up late into the night swapping ghost stories, having pillow fights, and eating strange things on dares. Everything was perfect until, if I remember correctly, we got a little too rowdy and ended up punching a hole in the wall. And then we got a little hyped up on candy and broke a bunk bed. And then I got bad diarrhea because of all the candy and I think I didn't cook my fish all the way through and I definitely ate too many apples (they were free y'all!). And our teacher had to intervene.

We got in trouble, yeah. But would it have been so memorable if I hadn't gotten in trouble? Absolutely not! We were three nerdy boys allowed to let loose for the first time ever! It was our time to break shit and we did not disappoint. So if you are a parent of a nerdy, perfect teenage boy and you are trying to get them to do something wrong for a change so that they can live a little.... send them to Camp Earthshine. Stay comfy y'all!

For those presently unaware, I am working for the Harry Potter Exposition in Times Square as the sorting hat. NBD, really. Anywho, there is one question that I always ask all of my first year clients. That question is asked in a stunningly realistic British accent and the question is, "What is your favorite Hogwarts house?" Here are four of my favorite answers.

1) Hufflepuff - I just love everyone who says they like Hufflepuff. I wanna say, "Time to move out of your parent's basement!"

2) Zorendendon - One of the cutest kids I've ever sorted came in and said, in the cutest little voice I've ever heard, that his favorite house was zorendendon. I had no idea what he wanted so I made him a Gryffindor.

3) 1 or 3 - a cute little girl very sincerely told me her favorite house was either 1 or 3. I don't know what kind of number system she had worked out in her head so I made her a Ravenclaw.

4) Well, I suppose I'm a Goofendorf - This was the response given to me by the funniest Texan woman I've ever met. She followed it up by screaming, "IS THAT THING CLEAN?!?" when I put the hat on her.

Stay comfy y'all.

I'm currently getting paid to sort people into their Hogwarts houses. That's right folks, I work for the sorting hat now. Dreams do come true. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Of course, it is the sorting hat the does the sorting, it definitely isn't the key fob that I'm holding in my other hand with buttons that correspond to the respective houses. Oh no no no, it's all done through magic! Anywho, I've been doing this job for several weeks now and I have compiled a whole list of things that I say to people when they tell me what their favorite Hogwarts house is. BTW... I'm still... sorting things out (BAM!) so my apologies if some of this seems... old hat (BAM!! BAM!!).

Gryffindor - When someone says they are a Gryffindor, I usually genuinely agree with them, because if you are brave enough to volunteer to go up on stage with an absurdly energetic, 6'1", twenty somethin', Hogwarts "alum"wearing a rob, then let's be honest, you are probably a Gryffindor. But then there are the people who get up and say, "Oh, uh, I dunno, what is it called again mom? Gryffindor?" OR they say "I wanna be in Harry Potter house" Or I once had a kid say, "I wanna be in Dumbledore." That's just gross. And annoying. Those are the people who haven't read the books. And those are the people that I put in Hufflepuff.

Hufflepuff - When someone comes up, sits on the stool, looks at me and sincerely admits that they are probably a Hufflepuff, I have so much respect for them. It takes a great deal of self-confidence and self-examination to admit to Hufflepuff-dom. And if someone can admit to being a Hufflepuff, then I give them Hufflepuff and applaud their loyalty and trustworthiness. And I usually say something along the lines of, "You must know yourself very well. And you must be a true Potter fan." But, let's be real, I also use Hufflepuff as a punishment for people that are annoying me, because it makes everyone angrier than if I put them in Slytherin. Because Hufflepuff isn't known for much - except for, expert brooder, Cedric Diggory.

Ravenclaw - I am a Ravenclaw through and through. So when someone wants to be a Ravenclaw, I get excited and usually tell them that I am also a Ravenclaw, that I'm actually Cho Chang's brother, that I'm from China, and that I'll see them around the common room. I am such a creepy weirdo, why do people trust me with their kids?! Most of the time, though, I think people get a kick out of it. Or they are probably just confused and creeped out because I don't look Asian at all. Speaking of, I have to admit, ashamedly, that I always put Asians in Ravenclaw, even if they request a different house. It's just where we belong, y'all, so get used to it!

Slytherin - When someone says their favorite house is Slytherin, I usually respond, "Ah, you could do great things in Slytherin." But what I'm thinking is, "Ah, you must be a Republican." And I thought I was the only one who drew a connection between Slytherins and right-winged politics until today when an older man sat on the stool, said he wanted to be Slytherin, I said my usual, "You could do great things in Slytherin" and he responded, "Or I could become a politician." I laughed out loud. Way to go, sir. You are smartest Slytherin I've ever sorted. After I sort a Slytherin, I always say, "Slytherins always seem to know which house they belong to, don't they?" I think there is enough masked judgement in that phrase, yeah?

So, no matter which house you love, I will respect you, even if you're a Hufflepuff, especially if you're Robert Pattinson. Stay comfy y'all.