The Comfy Corner

Saw this in a gas station and I've officially decided that people are just all idiots. What is the purpose of these quotation marks?!? Are you using the quotes for emphasis?! THAT'S NOT WHAT QUOTES ARE FOR!! This is the sad state of our country.

This is LITERALLY the best piece of advice my restaurant can give me.

How is one supposed to maintain a straight face when this is in the background during every preshift?

So, I'm waiting tables again! This means long, exhausting evenings for me, and more great stories about stupid guests for you! But now, we are dealing with New Yorkers instead of Bostonians. No real difference except that New Yorkers are much more willing to shell out lots of money for a dinner than Bostonians are. But there is one thing that remains the same. Foreigners still don't tip. A big clue I have realized is that if anyone at the table asks for "no ice in their water" then you will get no tip. No ice? No ice. Get it? So get comfy, cause here we go again on a magical journey of food serving fun!

I was dancing on stage with a drag queen name Sabrina Blaze tonight, singing "Proud Mary" and I had one of those self-reflective revelations where you suddenly look at yourself from the third person, analyze what you're doing and think, "What events in my life led me to this moment?" It's such an odd feeling! I often think about myself in the context of the people around me and it makes me suddenly very self aware. It happens a lot when I look at myself in the mirror as I'm drunk at a party. I gaze at my reflection for an extended amount of time, fix my hair and say, "What are you doing with your life?!" And that's it really. I move on.

I love/hate Hipstamatic for iPhones...or everyone with an iPhone in general. I don't know what it is about the filtered, old timey nature of the hipstamatic for iPhone photos, but they makes me angry. Slash I love them because they make me look really cool. Maybe it's jealousy. Maybe it's a loathing for anything that could be considered a fad. Maybe it's the fact that it's called "Hipstamatic" and I just loathe everything that is hipsta. But when I browse Facebook and find entire albums of Hipstamatic photos, I get upset.

The other day, I had a party of three that came in and sat down at the largest table in my section (it can seat six or seven). This would have been fine if they were just dropping in for a quick bite, but they were "waiting for someone else" so I had to continually check in on them over the course of the next two and a half hours. They sat there at my largest table with their waters and their soup and just selfishly prevented me from making any money that evening. These are the lessons that all people need to learn from this story.

At work today, I look down at the floor and see these two silly bandz (I feel weird spelling bands with a "z") conveniently paired together. As far as Halloween goes, this is the scariest thing that happened to me all day. I had to take a picture, but I hope I didn't catch anything...

These signs are posted all over the Emerson bathrooms. I have a very strong urge to make a sign to put right next to it that says "Got Nubs? Kill Yourself."

This is what I see every morning when I walk out of my door. Isn't that a nice way to start the day?

No matter where I am, how old I am, or what values I cherish at that particular moment in time, I will always put the empty or expired milk back into the fridge. Or I will use all of the milk except the tiniest amount and put it back into the fridge thinking, "Oh, I might need that tiny bit of milk later." (I never need that tiny bit of milk). This is also true of cereal boxes. I will always have 4 or 5 pretty-much-empty cereal boxes in the cabinet. So when do these things actually get taken care of? When I open the fridge and smell something rotting. Then, I will do a mass cleaning of everything expired or empty. But I will always wait until the mass cleaning to throw things away. And I know for a fact, that I am not alone in this habit. This little fact of life is a mutual laziness amongst all humans.

Chris: I would break my back for you

4:47pm

Me: I would stab my eyes out for you.

4:48pm

Chris: that's so hott

4:48pm

Me: that's love

Today, two women came in and they ordered a pizza to share. And then one of the women said "I'm famished, if I got a wedge salad, would you help me eat it?" The other woman frowned and somberly replied "Michael always ordered the wedge salad..." I stood there pen poised, absolutely speechless and wishing I had given this table to someone else. The first woman had a similar reaction but she quickly said, "Oh should we get something else?" And the other (I assume widowed) woman forced a smile and said "No, no. They are fond memories." Then, they both turned to look at me and I said, "Great! I'll go put that in for you." What does one say in a situation like that? Oof, an un-comfy corner if I've ever been in one. They ended up ordering another wedge salad later.

Me: I'd like to unpack your bags...

Beth: be my guest! ;)

Me: oh baby. I didn't know your luggage would be so quick to arrive.

Beth: oh no, you're wrong, i'm never quick

Me: oh, am I gonna have to file a missing baggage report and have you mailed to me?

Beth: that might be best... even though it's not the speediest delivery, it's always the best quality

Me: alright. wow...I should stop. Your half of the metaphor is much sexier than mine.I was gonna be like "gah, I knew I should've either split you into two bags or just taken some weight off of you and brought you as carry-on"

I wonder how many times a day people comment "wish there was a dislike button" and "wish there was a love button" on the FB. You all know that if Facebook granted this wish, you'd all get your panties in a wad and start complaining about how much easier it was with just a like button. One, they'd have to sort it out (1 person likes this, 4 people love this, 2 people dislike this). I can already picture the drrrama. It would be like the animal scene from Mean Girls. And two, who knows what these kinds of changes could mean for our future (2 people are indifferent about this, 6 people don't know what to say, 3 people think this is "crzay driz, bitches")? Let's just just stick with the like button and our comments (for now). Our cyber lives are already "crzay" enough.

Even Boston's parking meters fail.

This alien script that we are often forced to decipher is ridiculous. If you're going to make me verify that I am a human, at least give me some words that I can read. This happens far too often and always puts a little damper on my day. It makes me doubt my humanness or the quality of the status I just created.

p.s. the attempt I made to decipher this particular alien script failed. I suppose the word wasn't "sinhn." I must not be human.