The Comfy Corner

Everyone goes through a very similar series of conversations when they get to know someone new. Where are you from? Where did you go to school? What did you study? Where do you work now? But I, being so wonderfully typed into the middle ground of races, am cursed with being ethnically ambiguous. So every time I meet a new person, conversation inevitably leads to a conversation about how I am half Chinese. It amazes me how worked up people get about it. They gasp and flare their eyes in astonishment. "YOU'RE CHINESE?!?" I am sometimes taken aback as though they are offended or something. But then their eyes narrow (as they try to see a hint of squintiness in my eyes) and they say, "You don't look that Asian. I knew you were something, but not Asian." Then the whole room (everyone loves to discuss this topic) looks me up and down as I sit there judged and ethnically abused while they decide whether or not I look my race. They usually finish it off with an offhand compliment like, "Asian and white is such a beautiful mix. I want Asian babies." So I'm left confused and trying to decide whether or not to be offended or thankful or afraid they might take advantage of me.

Yesterday, however, I was not confused. I was just offended. I was an extra on this TV show and I was walking past this other extra girl who, for my own purposes, I will call a bitch. As I walked past she was saying, "Asians just aren't..." She paused and looked around to make sure no Asians were lurking in corners. She looked right into my eyes!!! And then she continued, "They just aren't attractive. The boys aren't cute and the girls aren't pretty. It's their pushed in noses and their slanty eyes." She demonstrated by pushing in her own stupid nose. "And they never have very good muscle tone." I wanted to push her nose in WITH MY FIST! But, I took the high road. A few minutes later I was with her in a group of extras and someone complimented my skin tone. I said, "Thanks, it must be THE ASIAN IN ME!" And I looked right into here eyes and glared. She looked confused. I hope she got the memo. She probably didn't though, the dumb bitch.

Moral of the story is twofold. One, yes I am Chinese, don't be shocked. Two, you never know if someone around you is a mixed breed. So don't talk smack. Stay comfy ya'll.

I've been doing some extra work recently for the TV shows that film in New York and after shooting only a few episodes of a few different shows I have quickly been able to establish some stock characters that always pop up amongst the extras. They totally legitimize the making of a TV show about extras called, "Extras."Here are some of the most notable characters I've come across thus far...

1) The Creepy Old Man - there is always an old man that is awkwardly hitting on all the young ladies. There was in fact a man on the set of "Gossip Girl" that said, as the girls were walking by, "I wish you ladies were all walking into my apartment." I'm so glad I'm a dude.

2) The Overact-er - This is the girl that stands beside you in the group scene and is gesticulating and making facial expressions that are so big they definitely won't be missed by the camera. This is also the girl that causes the director to come to the extras and say "stop opening your mouth so wide."

3) The Woman with the Obnoxious Laugh - there seems to always be one woman who makes her presence known to everyone in the holding room with her hideously obnoxious laugh. We hate this woman.

4) The Girl Who Almost Got SAG - this is the non-union girl who talks about absolutely nothing except how many waivers she has and how she is going to become SAG. This girl we hate also. This is also the girl that gets pushed into the deep back because she's too tall. HA!

5) The Guys Who Only Counts the Hours - this actually a group of people. These are the union people who do absolutely nothing except talk about how much overtime they're gonna get, what meal penalties they are getting, when golden hour is happening, blah blah blah. Did you really start doing film and TV for the money? Then, I'm sorry, but you're doing it for the wrong reasons.

6) The Guy Who "Won't put up with this shit" - this is the guy who goes and gets a piece of cake from the catering table before we're allowed to. He is also the one who refuses to stand where he is supposed to or is always complaining about not having bottled water on set.

7) The Couple - Last, but not least, there are the people who do extra work to find romance. I actually don't mind these people. It's a game I like to play while I'm sitting around doing nothing. Where are the budding romances going to pop up first? My set crush usually ends up being a crew member with tattoos and pretty arms (Don't worry, Kevin. I only look. And I still only have eyes for you. :)) <--- I hate that.

Humans have the unique ability to share a common knowledge about certain feelings and situations without actually talking about it. These little pieces of trust and knowledge are called the unspoken rules. For instance, you never cut a line. No cutting! I learned that in elementary school when I got overzealous about pizza Friday. Lines make sense. The person who gets their first gets the first artichoke in the barrel (that's not a fraze... and that's not how you spell phrase... watcha gonna do about it?). But, for some reason, this unspoken knowledge seems to leave people baffled when it comes to auditioning situations.

In non-union land, us lowly third class passengers on board the actor Titanic have to arrive to the audition at the ass crack of dawn (without any real chance of getting a lifeboat). This often means that the line starts forming outside the building before the building even opens. Now that line makes logical sense when you are outside. It sprinkles down the block in perfect lineage. But once the building opens, and elevators come into play, all hell breaks loose. Suddenly, the people at the back of the line "forget" there was ever a line. Everyone gets "confused." The only people who are "definitely sure there was a line" are the people who were in the the front of it. So they plant themselves in a brand new line in the audition room while the stragglers come in and sit wherever not realizing that there is a sort-of line happening. Now, I make it seem as though everyone is asking questions and trying to sort this out. That's not the case. NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING. There is just an unspoken tension while people try to figure out for themselves how this is all going to play out when the monitor arrives.

Then the list goes up and the monitor is like "is there a line of some sort happening?" A hush falls over the crowd. It's the first time an official person has mentioned the tense situation that's been going on all morning. Usually, the person who got there at 6am shouts "YES" angrily (finally releasing that built up anxiety they felt every time someone ignored the faux line). That person will get the first slot and everyone else shuffles about in confusion. So I ask myself, isn't there a better way? Yes, there is. Get an agent and have appointments. Alas, if only I could just wake up early to get an agent. The fight continues, NYC, it does continue. Stay comfy, ya'll.

Have I posted this before? Does it have the exact same title and is about the exact same subject? Probably, but it deserves a reposting because people who go out to eat at restaurants are oftentimes absolute morons. A guy this evening walks in, sits down, and does not open his menu. Assuming he has been here before and already knows what he wants I approach him to take his order. He looks at me directly and says, "I want a steak."

"I'm sorry, sir, we don't have steak."

*baffled expression of disbelief*

"You don't have steak???"

"No sir. We have steak tacos..."

"No, that's not what I want. I want steak." He puts his hands in the shape of a steak to inform me of what a steak looks like.

"We don't have steak."

"Well, what DO you have??"

I took what little patience I had left, balled it up in a big ball, reached down, opened his menu gently and said as if talking to a small child, "We have the items that are here in our menu." More baffled expressions from him. "Mostly pizzas, pastas, and salads."

"Oh, well I'll have to go somewhere else, then."

Have a great day sir, go die, and learn how to read a menu. Bye.

This is LITERALLY the best piece of advice my restaurant can give me.