The Comfy Corner

It’s a three-hour drive followed by an evening at the Super 8 in the-middle-of-nowhere, Indiana. The only nearby restaurant is a Taco Bell (mildly exciting, I must admit, but still sad) and the front desk person at the hotel says, “when people wanna have fun around here, they generally stay at home.”  To top it all, your TV is missing key channels such as ABC and NBC. So whaddya do?! For me, recently, the answer is clear - play Words with Friends until your phone dies. Or, play my new Boggle-inspired personal favorite, Scramble with Friends.

I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t fall asleep because my mind is on an endless journey of letter combinations. Instead of drifting smoothly into dreamland I am chanting, “mar, ream, mare, mares, ram, rams, reams, mere, smear…” It’s actually becoming a problem. The worst part is, I’m not just playing with actual friends. I get impatient when my real friends don’t play quick enough so I play random opponents. I sit there battling with “rachelisbugmad” and I imagine this snotty, greasy-haired, little twelve-year-old girl absolutely destroying me at this stupid word game. What once was a game becomes a battle of wits and conquering the unknown. By beating this anonymous girl, I am proving to myself that I have what it takes to get through any random situation. It’s become a reflection of my life!

And then there are Words with acquaintances, Words with Facebook-friends-that-I-don’t-really-know-but-stalk-occasionally, and Words with past-professors. Each one presents its own mental stresses. I find myself sending them subliminal messages through the words I choose. I play “fart” for 8 points and they respond with “classy” for 12. It’s a whole language we’ve created and I giggle for hours afterward. Once I finish giggling I begin to evaluate my life. I think about how I ignored that phone call from my mother because I was trying to put the letter “z” on a triple word tile. I think about how I didn’t eat dinner because I was trying to decide if I could make “poop” into a longer word (Is “shipoopi” an actual word?)

And now as I write this blog, I begin to realize that what I have achieved from hours of gameplay and total word domination is – an addiction. I could be using my time in much better ways. I could be having dinner with friends, laughing with friends, watching movies with friends. REAL friends. Not virtual board game versions of my friends. So as good as my word game skillz have gotten, I think it is time to lay it to rest for a little while. I have an addictive personality when it comes to computer games. I once spent an entire week playing the Sims until I developed a headache so bad I was on the floor crying. I would say to myself things like, “My happiness meter is low.” This tells me that it is time to light a candle, curl up in my comfy corner, and contemplate better ways to use my time while on this tour. Stay comfy ya’ll, put down your phones and play with real friends.

Tour de Seuss has thus far taken me deep into and all over the most exciting part of the country - the midwest. It's a part of the country that I decided long ago I would never return to. But alas, here I am once again. This time, however, I'm checking my hotel sheets for bedbugs. So, as I sit here in my Effingham, IL hotel room nibbling on my fried chicken, I begin to think about all of the midwestern stereotypes and how very true they are. Here are 7. Warning: I'm about to get very "New York" on you.

1) Things are cheap - we Yelped a restaurant in Dayton, OH called "Cold Beer and Cheeseburgers" aka "exactly what Nathan always wants" and it said that it was 3 money signs. In NY, three money signs means "actors not welcome." Apparently, in the midwest three money signs means 7 dollar burgers. Not joking.

2) People are nice - When I need to change lanes quickly in the midwest, I legit roll down my window and ask the person beside me if I can cut in front of them. They always smile and wave me right in. "So midwest."

3) Highways are boring - I look at the lonely houses in the middle of these HUGE fields and all I can think is, "If they wanted to go to their neighbor's house, they'd have to pack an overnight bag."

4) Fast food is the norm - We went to Taco Bell last night and there were like 12 people in line ahead of us. They were having a birthday party. Or that's what it looked like. People don't mess around with fast food here.

5) Hotels are for prostitutes - My tour mate, Peter, used the hotel lobby computer to print something and all of the pictures in the documents folder were of prostitutes. Really classy. This is why I avoid the bedspreads.

6) People dress poorly - Sweatpants and Uggs. Apparently, that is apropos for all occasions. You can always tell if someone's from a city if they are wearing normal pants and shoes. I mean, I feel absurd wearing a scarf around here.

7) The gays are in Chicago - Everyone's straight in the midwest. If I felt the need to fit in, I'd throw on an Ed Hardy shirt and some baggier jeans. The only place I felt normal was in Chicago. Where there's an H&M with men's clothing, there are gays.

Did you see that episode of "30 Rock" guest starring John Hamm as the beautiful guy who turns out to be really stupid but no one really cares because he is so handsome that he gets everything he wants and deludes himself into thinking that he is actually talented and smart when in reality he's a moron? Well, I did see it. And I've been thinking about that a lot recently. It's what Liz Lemon called, "the bubble." Pretty people reside in the bubble and are blissfully ignorant as they enjoy such things as tickets to the theatre, tables at dinner, and free appetizers. When I heard about this, I thought, "Ugh, I know people like that. I hate those people." But then, something happened that made me realize that I MIGHT BE IN THE BUBBLE!!

I was attempting to get tickets to see "Follies" with Kevin. Stupidly, we slept in and got there way too late. The man informed us that they had already sold all the rush tickets. We were crushed. It was our last chance to see this amazing musical. But then, the guy took one look at the cute gay couple in front of him yearning for an evening of Bernadette singing Sondheim and he said, "Well, let me see what I can do for you guys." And then he sold us orchestra center seats for only 39 dollars saying, "Don't tell anyone I did this for you. These tickets are normally 110 or more." A rush of empowerment flooded over me because I suddenly realized what it felt like - inside the bubble.

Then, the downward slide began. I realized that as long as I look presentable and dress appropriately, I could probably use my looks to get all sorts of things! I could walk into almost any restaurant and use the bathroom without actually being a patron. I could comb my hair and waltz into a theatre at intermission and catch Act Two without a ticket. I could even charm my way into getting a free burger if I wanted! Ugly, homeless people wouldn't be able to get away with things like that, right!? Then, the horrible thought came to me, "Life must be so much harder for ugly people!" ... YUCK! WHO AM I!?! JENNA MARONEY!? Apparently, yes I am. I've joined the bubble. Now that I have reached the level of beauty and confidence that has put me in the bubble, I must deal with the consequences of feeling pity for those of lesser greatness. *Sigh* Life's hardships, I suppose. But, I'm still of humble upbringing so whether you're in the bubble or not, I wish you the comfiest of corners.

My friend Laura recently joined the peace corps. Before she left for her two year expedition she mentioned to me that she would not have running water in her African village. I checked in with her the other day on the water situation and she said that in the winter she catches rain water and in the summer she hires a village child to fetch the water for her. Both, she says, are "really lazy ways of obtaining water." So now, as I draw my nightly bath (with a simple flick of my wrist), throw in my bath bomb, and light my vanilla-scented tea lights, I begin to think about the things I often complain about - out loud. My #firstworldproblems. Here are a few.

1) "Siri never understands me! Now I have to manually check the weather forecast!"

2) "Why do we even have top sheets? No one really needs them, they just end up at the foot of the bed."

3) "My DVR is so finicky. It randomly decides what it wants to record."

4) "We ordered that pizza like 45 minutes ago. I'm gonna rip them apart on Yelp."

5) "Netflix is being so slow today, what is wrong?"

6) "Our water is too hot! And if you move the nob like a millimeter it goes immediately to icy cold."

7) "Ugh, I can't find my Starbucks gift cards!"

8) "The fresh linen scent is too harsh for me. I much prefer apple spice and delight." Sidenote: I threw away the can of fresh linen. It wasn't empty.

9) "Is it just me or is our Keurig brewing really weak coffee?"

10) "Ugh, I hate when steak is served with a sweet demi-glace. I much prefer it savory."

Moral of the story? We should all probably enjoy our comfy corners a little more and complain a little less. After all, you could be in an African village with no running water - like Laura. Stay comfy ya'll!

I recently worked a temp job and this old security guard I was working with asked me what I did for a living. When I told him I was an actor he said, "Oh, okay. Lemme ask you something. Approximately when do most people like you decide to give up on your dream?" I don't get upset very often but this question really upset me. Who did he think he was?!? So I said to him, "Who are you to just come up to me and ask me when I'm gonna give up on my dreams? You don't even know me! You don't know what I can do, what my dreams even are!" I was riled up and rightfully so. How can he judge my profession when he has no idea what it even entails? And then he went on to explain that real success was "someone like Clint Eastwood. Someone who also gets behind the camera. That's when you know you're successful." This is when I stopped listening to him. Clearly his definition of success was different from mine.

I've been thinking a lot about this ever since and I've decided that no one else can determine what success is for someone else. When I told my mom I was joining AFTRA (the union for TV actors) she said, "Oh, one day you'll be on the cover of People magazine!" That, to her, would be real success. So, there ya go. When it comes to acting there is no definition of success. Is Meryl Streep more successful than Taylor Lautner? I would instinctually say yes, but in reality there is no comparison because they have to determine their own ideas of success. So what is success to me? I suppose it's just to do what I love. If I'm doing that, then I think I'm pretty successful. But then again, maybe success is simply just sitting here on my couch with cookies, Ina Garten, and the comfiest corner. After all, I'm doing what I love!

Stay comfy ya'll!

I have taken care and effort into developing an effective method of meeting new people and building new relationships. There is a level of social obedience and propriety we all must maintain if we want to attract and invite new friends into our lives (and keep them) and there are, I believe, some basic rules. My primary rule of thumb for first time interactions? Try to keep spontaneous conversation clicking as long as possible before resorting to hackneyed starters like, "So, do you have any siblings?" Since moving to the city, however, I've discovered that I'm meeting and interacting with so many different people in so many different situations that it is becoming difficult to maintain my rules. So many people, so little time! It's a conundrum! So, I've discovered the beauty of "single-serving friends" and they come with an entirely different set of rules.

Single-serving friends are the people that you meet once and then never come across ever again in your lifetime. They are the people you end up in conversations with at Starbucks. The tourists you wait on at your restaurant job. The people you sit next to on planes. The great thing about them is that there are really no rules! When I used to wait tables, (God, it feels good to have that in the past tense!) I would tell my tables that I was born in Hong Kong and went to an English speaking school till I was five. What do they know? I sometimes tell inquisitive tourists that I'm on Broadway starring in Wicked. And airplanes? Oh, please. The BEST place for single-serving friends. Where else can you unload your problems on total strangers and not feel guilty about falling asleep mid-conversation??

So yes, we should should always be kind to our single-serving friends. I suppose you never really know if that person in Starbucks will some day be "the one." Or if that man on the plane is randomly a Broadway producer. Or if that guy on the elevator is a serial killer. So stay comfy ya'll because we can all rest easy knowing that for at least one moment in our day, the pressure to "turn it on" is off. You can feel free to drop off mid-sentence and they wo

In a world that is ever changing, in an economy that is dangerously unstable, in a career that is incredibly unpredictable, and having just graduated from theatre school and moved to a big, new city, I've resolved that making real resolutions this year is resolutely irresolute. That's why, I'm calling my resolutions this year my New Year's "Irresolutions" because they are fraught with uncertainty. So here are the things that I officially resolve to be uncertain about actually accomplishing. This way I can't possibly disappoint myself!

1) Take a bubble bath three nights a week (every night, bonus points)
2) Cook all of my meals from the Barefoot Contessa cookbook
3) Stop drinking (so much)
4) Give up coffee (on Wednesdays)
5) Make my Broadway debut (is this possible in conjunction with 3 and 4? Only time will tell)
6) Meet Tina Fey and convince her to use the catch phrase "You've got options, girl!" on 30 Rock
7) Sing a duet with Michael Buble, and then go back to his place
8) Open an IRA
9) Floss daily
10) Write a musical
11) Give up Starbucks
12) Gain 10 pounds (of muscle)
13) Lose 5 pounds (of emotional baggage)
14) Join a barbershop quartet
15) Film an Amica commercial
16) Ride in a helicopter
17) Go to a gay wedding
18) Touch Beyonce (if 17 and 18 can be accomplished simultaneously, bonus points)
19) Use Google Earth, a map, and some strategic longitudinal coordinates and graph paper to pinpoint the exact location of Ina Garten's home in the Hamptons. Have a picnic in her yard.
20) FIND THE COMFIEST CORNER IN THE WORRRLLLDDD!!!!!

Have the comfiest year folks! Stay healthy! Live long and prosper! NEVER GIVE UP! NEVER SURRENDER!