The Comfy Corner

I'm not too good at the whole New Year's resolutions thing, but gosh-darn-it I sure try every year! Last year, I managed to not accomplish ANY of my New Year's irressolutions. Yes, it is "ir-" because last year was a very uncertain year. I mean, let's be real, I'm a pretty productive person day in and day out so while I may fail at accomplishing long term goals, I make my daily goals my bitch. Wake up, check. Eat breakfast, check. Watch Rachel Ray, check. Nap, check. Boom boom boom. Knocking things off my to-do list like Santa. But I've decided to go all out this year and try all of the New Year's resolution tricks in hopes that one of them will stick. So here we go.

My word for the year is "growth." Growth in every sense of the word. I mean, not EVERY sense of the word. I'm not clearing the shelves of Extenze or anything (or am I?). No, I want to gain some weight; growth. I want to finish classes at UCB; growth. I want the decisions I make this year to all come from a place of growth. Are you helping me to grow physically or emotionally? If not, then you can GET OUT!

My catch-phrase for the year is "ripped and rich 2013." Well, let's be real, rich in the literal sense is not going to happen foralongtimepossiblyever#regret. But that's fine, because I want to strive for wealth in every other facet of my life (cue groans from my father). I want to be rich in social interactions this year. Rich in love. Rich in friendship. And ripped is exactly what it is. I want to be ripped. I'm at the gym always.

My slogan for the year is the Boy Scout slogan: do a good turn daily. It's a fool-proof plan. Do something nice for somebody else every single day. For instance, yesterday I was humming while I was waiting for the train. To everyone who heard me, you're welcome. ;)

My mantra for the year is "only hot people sweat." This is something that is literally written on the mirror of my gym and I've taken it to heart. What it means, to me, is that I can't be afraid of the work it takes to get what I want. Too long have I gazed out yonder window stoically yearning and dreaming sans execution. This year I am not going to shy away from the journey. Results are achieved through hard work. So I'm gonna sweat it out this year, y'all. If I'm not sweating when you see me, ask me why. And I'd better have a good reason, else I'll have to have a long talk with me.

So, hopefully one of these things will stick this year. If not, then this time next year I'll get my cat man license, purchase 19 cats, a home in Queens and wait it out (death, that is). Stay comfy y'all!

I'm currently getting paid to sort people into their Hogwarts houses. That's right folks, I work for the sorting hat now. Dreams do come true. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Of course, it is the sorting hat the does the sorting, it definitely isn't the key fob that I'm holding in my other hand with buttons that correspond to the respective houses. Oh no no no, it's all done through magic! Anywho, I've been doing this job for several weeks now and I have compiled a whole list of things that I say to people when they tell me what their favorite Hogwarts house is. BTW... I'm still... sorting things out (BAM!) so my apologies if some of this seems... old hat (BAM!! BAM!!).

Gryffindor - When someone says they are a Gryffindor, I usually genuinely agree with them, because if you are brave enough to volunteer to go up on stage with an absurdly energetic, 6'1", twenty somethin', Hogwarts "alum"wearing a rob, then let's be honest, you are probably a Gryffindor. But then there are the people who get up and say, "Oh, uh, I dunno, what is it called again mom? Gryffindor?" OR they say "I wanna be in Harry Potter house" Or I once had a kid say, "I wanna be in Dumbledore." That's just gross. And annoying. Those are the people who haven't read the books. And those are the people that I put in Hufflepuff.

Hufflepuff - When someone comes up, sits on the stool, looks at me and sincerely admits that they are probably a Hufflepuff, I have so much respect for them. It takes a great deal of self-confidence and self-examination to admit to Hufflepuff-dom. And if someone can admit to being a Hufflepuff, then I give them Hufflepuff and applaud their loyalty and trustworthiness. And I usually say something along the lines of, "You must know yourself very well. And you must be a true Potter fan." But, let's be real, I also use Hufflepuff as a punishment for people that are annoying me, because it makes everyone angrier than if I put them in Slytherin. Because Hufflepuff isn't known for much - except for, expert brooder, Cedric Diggory.

Ravenclaw - I am a Ravenclaw through and through. So when someone wants to be a Ravenclaw, I get excited and usually tell them that I am also a Ravenclaw, that I'm actually Cho Chang's brother, that I'm from China, and that I'll see them around the common room. I am such a creepy weirdo, why do people trust me with their kids?! Most of the time, though, I think people get a kick out of it. Or they are probably just confused and creeped out because I don't look Asian at all. Speaking of, I have to admit, ashamedly, that I always put Asians in Ravenclaw, even if they request a different house. It's just where we belong, y'all, so get used to it!

Slytherin - When someone says their favorite house is Slytherin, I usually respond, "Ah, you could do great things in Slytherin." But what I'm thinking is, "Ah, you must be a Republican." And I thought I was the only one who drew a connection between Slytherins and right-winged politics until today when an older man sat on the stool, said he wanted to be Slytherin, I said my usual, "You could do great things in Slytherin" and he responded, "Or I could become a politician." I laughed out loud. Way to go, sir. You are smartest Slytherin I've ever sorted. After I sort a Slytherin, I always say, "Slytherins always seem to know which house they belong to, don't they?" I think there is enough masked judgement in that phrase, yeah?

So, no matter which house you love, I will respect you, even if you're a Hufflepuff, especially if you're Robert Pattinson. Stay comfy y'all.

"So what do you do for a living?" I'll ask someone that I'm meeting for the first time. They look to the floor sheepishly and respond dejectedly, "Ugh, I'm an actor." In the same tone of someone admitting they are addicted to meth or something. I HATE THIS! No one should feel ashamed to admit that they are an actor. Being an actor is such a brave, incredible profession. You are doing what most people in this world regret not doing; chasing your dreams. So say it with confidence, y'all! I'm an actor. Don't apologize for your profession. I know that it can be annoying living in New York and LA and telling people that you are an actor because everyone's an actor. But who cares?! You aren't the same actor as the person you are talking to. You have something unique to offer the world that they can't offer. So own it! And if they roll their eyes, you slap those eyes right outta there face and then they'll be sorry. Because they won't have eyes!

This past summer I was working at a theatre in this tiny town in Colorado. The theatre was pretty much the only reason the town still existed. So working as an actor in that town was something to be proud of. When people asked me where I worked, I proudly said that I worked for the theatre, and it would spark some sort of admiration in them. They were excited and wanted to come see the show. Unfortunately, it's not always that way in New York. Admitting you are an actor seems to spark projectile vomiting and heavy sighs. But, it shouldn't! When people visit New York, they are most impressed by the artistic presence throughout the city. And you are part of that, so you should be proud.

And lastly, this is a personal rant, but Backstage Espresso needs to stop writing depressing articles like "When Should You Give Up on Your Dreams?" or "Ten Things You Sacrificed When You Decided to Be an Actor." WE GET IT, BACKSTAGE!! We know exactly what we gave up! I could write a ten page article on why I should quit acting! So I don't need to hear it, okay?! So, be proud of who you are, be proud of the amazing career you chose, and don't let the man get you down. Your life will go the direction that it needs to go. Stay comfy y'all.

So I have overheard many hilarious conversations on the streets and subways of New York City but few have earned the right to have a place on my blog. Few have caused me to miss my train stop because I am furiously typing the whole conversation on my phone with the speed of a court stenographer. When reading this, imagine two oppressively nerdy band geek boys. I have named them Dave and Rob (no offense to you, Dave or Rob, those just sound like band geek names to me). This is their conversation. It needs no further exposition.

Dave: (upon entering the train) So, what do you think Heather really thinks of me?

Rob: Dude, probably what everyone thinks of us brass players.

Dave: What's that?

Rob: All of the wind players are scared of us.

Dave: Why? What are they scared of?

Rob: Dude, you know. Our bro lifestyle, man. We're like drunk all the time. And if we're not drunk, we're really angry.

Dave: Yeah, that's true. I mean, we have pretty crazy ways.

Rob: Yeah we do.

Dave: But like, I specifically wonder about Heather ya know? Like what she thinks of me.

Rob: What, you afraid she thinks you're like a little horndog or something?

Dave: Yeah man, I mean, we're brass players.

Rob: That's true. Well, why don't you invite her over to my place?

Dave: Oh, yeah, totally.

And that's about when I realized that I was two stops past where I was supposed to get off the train. Stay comfy y'all!

1) You are trying to be so quiet going down the stairs at night, and then you miss a step and do a T-Rex stomp shaking the entire house.

2) You begrudgingly go out even though you are stupid tired. You tell yourself you won't drink and you'll head home around midnight. You wake up the next morning in a stranger's bed with no pants, a massive hangover, and no memory of the previous night.

3) You tell yourself you need to stop eating sweets and sugars, then your boyfriend bakes a giant cupcake.

4) You leave an hour early to guarantee that you'll be there on time, then there is a "police investigation" on the train and you're an hour late.

5) You tell yourself you're an independent woman of the modern age, then you're married with children.

6) You don't ask for directions because you have an iPhone, then you remember that your iPhone changed to Apple maps and you're doomed.

7) You tell your friend how horrible you are at baking and then you accidentally make the most delicious scones.

8) When you are working at your job you repeat in your head "this sucks, I hate this, I have to quit" but when you go home you think "meh, it's not THAT bad."

9) You can't find your monthly metro card you just bought so you buy a new one, call MTA, cancel the old one, get the money refunded, and then you find the old one in your bag.

10) You set your alarm every morning to go to the gym, and then the months go by and you forget where your gym is even located.

On the subway the other day I found myself amongst a sea of children. It wasn't a school field trip or anything, as is typical on the subway, no, it was just a very mom-and-children heavy train. One mom in particular really impressed me. She had three children. Two rowdy boys rode in on a two seater stroller and then proceeded to climb all over the crowded subway train like it was their jungle gym. Meanwhile, she had a newborn baby strapped to her chest. Hanging from the stroller were massive carabiners holding bottles, diaper bags, extra clothes, toys, shopping bags, and anything she might need to be successful in her day. She was soothing the baby on her chest while she was keeping her two boys in check. And the whole time she kept her cool and successfully calmed her rowdy boys. 

Here's the biggest problem that I've ever encountered in my young adulthood: I can't afford the lifestyle that I think I deserve. I'm a lush and I absolutely can't help it. I like taking cabs and surrounding myself with nice things. But, I'm poor. And yet, I keep trying to pretend like I'm not poor. Thus, I keep wasting my money on things that I don't really need like HD DVR packages and memory foam pillows. It's a recurring theme in my life right now. When I was younger (not much younger, let's be honest, like 18) I would watch the James Bond movies and drool over how luxurious 007's lifestyle was (I'd drool over Daniel Craig's body too, but that's for a different blog). He was always in a tailored tuxedo or beautiful slim fit suit, he was always drinking the best scotch, he was always in the nicest hotel rooms and he always had the fanciest cars. That's what I want! That's partially why I always drink gimlets and wear ties. Sometimes small things can make you feel really big. But recently the issue has escalated...

I essentially ordered the most expensive cable package available to a homeowner in NYC without really consulting with my room mate. I sort of told her how much it would cost but not really. I just really wanted DVR! And what's a DVR if it's not HD? And what's HD if you don't have On Demand and Showtime? This, to me, was a legitimate list of concerns. So after the cable was installed and my room mate found out how much our monthly bill was going to be, she called me and told me the most devastating news. We would have to downgrade cable plans. Yuck, I don't ever wanna hear that word, downgrade. Severely downtrodden, my room mate ripped the HD DVR box from my poor, wanting hands and took it back to the cable store. But then, a miracle happened! The woman at the cable store convinced her to keep the HD DVR box by cutting our monthly bill IN HALF! She even upgraded our box to a new one with more memory! Thanks Jessica, you saved my HD life!

And today, I was buying pillows at Bed, Bath and Beyond (the best place for a homebody to spend their time). I dejectedly picked up the ten dollar pillows telling myself to not even look at my other options. But then I saw the memory foam pillows at the end of the aisle and like Ginny Weasley in The Chamber of Secrets, I lost all control of my body and committed such evils. I ended up purchasing the most expensive pillows available. I reasoned that I spend a huge portion of my life sleeping, so I should obviously have the nicest pillows! Plus, sleeping is literally my favorite activity. When I wake up, I actually think to myself, "I can't wait until tonight when I get to go back to bed." But then, I was carrying these memory foam pillows through Washington Heights and I was getting the dirtiest looks from my neighbors. The looks that clearly said, "You rich douchebag living off of daddy's money." WHICH ISN'T TRUE! I WORK HARD FOR MY MEMORY FOAM PILLOWS AND MY DVR! So yeah, I need to cool it with the spending. But I have a kick ass cable plan now and I am going to sleep so well with zero neck problems. And those things make me happy. And isn't that our goal in life? Happiness? So stay lush y'all and stay comfy.