Have I posted this before? Does it have the exact same title and is about the exact same subject? Probably, but it deserves a reposting because people who go out to eat at restaurants are oftentimes absolute morons. A guy this evening walks in, sits down, and does not open his menu. Assuming he has been here before and already knows what he wants I approach him to take his order. He looks at me directly and says, "I want a steak."
"I'm sorry, sir, we don't have steak."
*baffled expression of disbelief*
"You don't have steak???"
"No sir. We have steak tacos..."
"No, that's not what I want. I want steak." He puts his hands in the shape of a steak to inform me of what a steak looks like.
"We don't have steak."
"Well, what DO you have??"
I took what little patience I had left, balled it up in a big ball, reached down, opened his menu gently and said as if talking to a small child, "We have the items that are here in our menu." More baffled expressions from him. "Mostly pizzas, pastas, and salads."
"Oh, well I'll have to go somewhere else, then."
Have a great day sir, go die, and learn how to read a menu. Bye.
This is LITERALLY the best piece of advice my restaurant can give me.
1. Jersey Bloods
2. The Light in the Pumpkin
3. God I-put-a Spell on you
4. Wicked SCARY!
5. Mary Potions
6. Chicagoblins
7. Sister Axe
8. How to Not Bleed in Business Without Really Crying
9. Priscilla, Queen of the DAMNED
10. Mamma Monster
11. Billy Skelliton
12. Gross (Grease?)
13. On a Fear Day You Can Flee or SEVER
14. Million Dollar Horrortet
15. Avenue Boo!
16. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
17. The Book of Murder
18. Horror Horse
19. Anything Decompose
20. King Fear
I was reading a book the other day entitled, "How to Be a Gentleman" and I learned a lot of really useful tips about etiquette including, "When you get up to leave a dinner table for the restroom, always fold your napkin and leave it sitting in your chair. If the waiter moves your napkin to the table while you are gone, he is in the wrong, not you." This is one of those little things that I'm pretty sure will stick with me for the rest of my life for no real apparent reason. Here are some others from my past.
1) Always dry your hair first when you exit the shower (Fatherly advice from long ago)
2) Taking a shower is equivalent to two hours of sleep (Men's Health)
3) To clean your house is to clean your soul (Japanese wisdom from Yurie)
3) Never be the one to make a ripple in the pond (Japanese wisdom from Mary Roach)
4) To be an expert at anything, you must put in 10,000 hours of practice (My "wife" Vanessa)
5) Never leave the house without a positive mental attitude (Personal philosophy)
6) K. I. S. S. (Keep it simple stupid, Odyssey of the Mind philosophy)
7) It is more difficult for bacteria to grow in an unmade bed than a made one (HGTV perhaps? reason to not make my bed)
8) If you roll your clothes you can fit more in your suitcase (Boy Scout handbook)
9) NEVER WEAR WHITE SOCKS WITH BLACK SHOES (My pregnant sister)
10) Always match your tie to your socks (My classy boyfriend who is ALWAYS a gentleman)
1) I only buy magazines with shirtless men on the cover - I read something about magazine editors putting shirtless men on covers to sell more copies and I thought, "That's silly, who is that easily swayed?" But then I realized, I am. Whoopsies.
2) I hate when people dance and sing to themselves on the subway... but I do it too - I was watching this guy just jamming to his iPod on the subway and I thought, "How silly, sir! No one else can hear the music you are listening to!" But then I caught myself doing the same thing a day later. Sometimes you just gotta dance.
3) I hate the phrase, "We're a really crazy bunch here" - When people say this about their work environment I metaphorically roll my eyes because crazy groups of people don't talk about how crazy and cool they are... they're just crazy and cool without talking about it. If you have to talk about it, chances are, you're a pretty normal bunch. Not to mention, I don't like the word, "bunch."
4) To me, acting is living, but to others, acting is just facial expressions - I realized that when people don't know a lot about theatre or acting and they are trying to compliment your performance they'll say things like, "You have a really expressive face" or "You make the best expressions."
5) No matter what city you're in, small Asian women will push you to the ground before letting you get on the subway before them - these small Asian women are a crazy bunch (and they don't talk about it).
So, I'm waiting tables again! This means long, exhausting evenings for me, and more great stories about stupid guests for you! But now, we are dealing with New Yorkers instead of Bostonians. No real difference except that New Yorkers are much more willing to shell out lots of money for a dinner than Bostonians are. But there is one thing that remains the same. Foreigners still don't tip. A big clue I have realized is that if anyone at the table asks for "no ice in their water" then you will get no tip. No ice? No ice. Get it? So get comfy, cause here we go again on a magical journey of food serving fun!
